she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
