Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
