If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
