69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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