dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
