I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
