finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
