The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
