What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
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