If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
