also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize