Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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