My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
