Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I use my feet as sexual weapons
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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