Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize
