she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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