My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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