Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
