I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
