Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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