my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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