All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
