Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
