I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
