hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
How external is "for external use only"?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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