i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
