I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize
