I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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