I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
so much tequila, so little girl.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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