Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
