I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize