she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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