New invention idea: vibrating tampons
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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