Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
