you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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