He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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