So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
