gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My feet surprised me
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
