i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Randomize
