This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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