Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
and she was petting her beer can
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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