when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
