the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
