His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
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