I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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