I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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