So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I AM VODKA MAN
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
