Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
