I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
