Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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