Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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