Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
