I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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