Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
