apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
