Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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