i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
