I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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