Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
