Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
