i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
It's Friday. Sex?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
