I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
