Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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