he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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